Eloping in Chelsea

SLB hates first dates. In fact, he hates all dates.They are invariably a combination of beige personalities in business attire, and underwhelming experiences. SLB never quite knows what to say, but nor does he care.Lord knows there is nothing duller than hearing someone’s life story for the first time.No, SLB doesn’t do dating.He prefers to cut right to the chase.Thankfully, today’s date was with Zoey, an A-class celebrity herself and SLB’s number one fag-hag (or ‘bender-friender’, the term more politically correct these days). The relationship with one’s bender-friender is a special one, being part brother-sister, part husband-wife, without the added perils of sexual tension to cloud the friendship (on SLB’s part anyway). Having exhausted almost every brunch venue in London together (their favourite being Bistroteque in the East End), and with at least a season of Will & Grace drama behind them, Zoey and SLB were thick as thieves. Appropriate today considering they contemplated leaving Chelsea’s lush Bluebird café without paying. London is far too over-staffed with absent-minded, Eastern European waitresses.Fending off bored Sunday morning paparazzi, they bounced off each other’s razor-sharp wit as they walked along Kings Road, with Zoey expounding on her recent Sapphic tendencies. Both stopped mid-sentence when they saw the beautiful St Peter’s church in Eaton Square to expound on how coy the notion of marriage was. That was the moment they decided to elope in Chelsea. They could marry that afternoon, have the reception in Sloane Square and celebrate at The Ivy that night. Then, they could whisk themselves off on the Eurostar for a week-long honeymoon in Paris. Perhaps they could even buy a plot of land in Scotland: Lord and Lady Slutty London. It then occurred to SLB that eloping with Zoey could potentially diminish his current bachelor status; and although eloping was fashionable, SLB was actually rather more partial to men than women and so might prefer to elope with one of the former…in due time of course. So, Lord SLB did not wed his Lady bender-friender that day, but instead dined at The Ivy with a new friend of his, which progressed rather quickly to his Notting Hill flat: A first date Slutty London style. In closing, SLB would like to discourage readers against the heathenish practice of dating entirely, in favour of speeding straight through a world of bad dates to the check-out of impromptu matrimony. Afterall, the gay world moves at a rate much faster than the real world: the courting ritual takes place in a matter of minutes, foreplay is restricted to the amount of time it takes to undress, and a two-year relationship is considered a marriage these days.So why waste time? Elope with someone you love today.