So many things we do, we do out of compulsion. Paying tax for one. Or having to put up with painful sex with those who insist on using saliva as lubricant. Or having to take rail replacement buses because the Victoria line can't deal with weekends.
The early stages of a relationship are a bit like taking the rail replacement bus actually: Full of bumps and stops along the way and you never do really know exactly where you are going or if you will ever get there. Stage One involves a lot of flirting, a lot of text messaging, a lot of phone calls and a lot of perfunctory dating. Stage Two involves a lot of sexual intercourse. You know, being shagged 9 ways to Sunday and back again. Stage Three involves a lot of emotional intercourse: The first 'I love you', joy, passion, trust, devotion. Jealousy. You know, if some fat slag tries to squeeze Joe's arse in a bar, then SLB is inclined to spike their drink with a healthy dose of horse tranquilliser. In the straight world this usually equates to some form of physical fight. Women call it chivalry, SLB calls it pugilism.
Anyway, it was all very exciting; SLB had been through all these stages (and more) with Joe in a very short space of time, despite thoughts of Kaleb with a K troubling him recently and potentially blocking SLB from realising how truly perfect Joe was for him. But, SLB knew it was time to leave thoughts of old flames behind (who spelt Kaleb with a K anyway?) and leap out of the frying pan and into the fire again. He felt compelled to do so. Not forced to do so, but compelled. In the good way. And who said that was a bad thing anyway? 'Moving too fast' is an urban myth for those too scared to explore an amazing connection with someone you have a lot in common with. And after another 10 weeks of unfulfilling romps and one-night stands, SLB felt drawn to Joe in a way that transcended even sex. Yes, SLB would venture into a relationship with Joe. His first official, adult, monogamous and mutually exclusive relationship! How darling. SLB would finally be a premiere gay! It was perfect: he could go for brunch every Saturday morning with Joe and they could pay on their joint account. Then they could lie in bed all day Sunday and have sex, and SLB would call it 'Sex Sundays' and Joe would laugh. They could adopt an African baby. And they could have dogs! One each: Liza and Beyonce after their own hearts. They could get a civil union, a mortgage, a house in Highgate, a holiday home in Costa del Sol and a pool boy!
The sky really was the limit. And SLB, full of the joys of Spring, was ready to fly.
Wednesday 7 October 2009
Compatability and Pretense
SLB modelled for a life art class this week. He also went for his first date with Joe – an early dinner before Joe had to jet off into the sunset. One ended with nudity. One did not. The point SLB is trying to make here is this: it is not so much what someone does or doesn't do in a relationship (be it sexual or otherwise; long-term or short) but rather their mode of intention and how they execute those intentions. Unrequited love is one thing, but it is an entirely different scenario to say, expect sex on the first date; or lead someone to believe you love them, when you don't; or to convince someone to move across the world for you only to reveal that you were sending mixed messages about the nature of the relationship and hadn't actually fallen for them at all. Hypothetically speaking.
SLB has many admirers for whom he has absolutely no attraction to, but at least he doesn't lead these poor, deluded boys to believe otherwise. There's skanky David, boring Michael, Marc (with his penchant for feet...and stalking), creepy, creepy Jamie, Brandon Flowers, the list goes on...
Aforementioned Joe (of tri-lingual fame), also plays four musical instruments, sings like an angel, has a masters degree, is 6 foot 2 and has eyes that make you forget the time of day. For perfect Joe, SLB has unlimited attraction. And although SLB goes into liaisons with most boys as passionately as if they are both his first and last love, Joe was different. Honestly. At the tube station, before he left, SLB planted a simple kiss on Joe's cheek (the sign of a true romance) and then retired for the evening, a happy boy.
The night contained a steady diet of textual intercourse (par for the course in these early stages) which had the power to advance the relationship several stages without actual interaction and SLB wonders what people ever did without it. SLB has always thought however, that people should exercise discretion when messaging and only advance the relationship one stage at a time before seeing the person in person again. Someone broaching the subject of sex via text message is an altogether vulgar and presumptuous practice quite frankly.
SLB had butterflies from the whole experience. It was funny, every time SLB fell for someone, the attraction always superceded any attraction he previously felt for the plethora of boys before. It had all got very comfortable with Joe very quickly, and SLB was keen to see where this would take him. Hopefully somewhere lush.
If this sounds like altogether familiar territory, well, SLB concedes that he may just be flailing aimlessly around the Earth until Mr Right comes along. But surely, that's all any of us are doing...
SLB has many admirers for whom he has absolutely no attraction to, but at least he doesn't lead these poor, deluded boys to believe otherwise. There's skanky David, boring Michael, Marc (with his penchant for feet...and stalking), creepy, creepy Jamie, Brandon Flowers, the list goes on...
Aforementioned Joe (of tri-lingual fame), also plays four musical instruments, sings like an angel, has a masters degree, is 6 foot 2 and has eyes that make you forget the time of day. For perfect Joe, SLB has unlimited attraction. And although SLB goes into liaisons with most boys as passionately as if they are both his first and last love, Joe was different. Honestly. At the tube station, before he left, SLB planted a simple kiss on Joe's cheek (the sign of a true romance) and then retired for the evening, a happy boy.
The night contained a steady diet of textual intercourse (par for the course in these early stages) which had the power to advance the relationship several stages without actual interaction and SLB wonders what people ever did without it. SLB has always thought however, that people should exercise discretion when messaging and only advance the relationship one stage at a time before seeing the person in person again. Someone broaching the subject of sex via text message is an altogether vulgar and presumptuous practice quite frankly.
SLB had butterflies from the whole experience. It was funny, every time SLB fell for someone, the attraction always superceded any attraction he previously felt for the plethora of boys before. It had all got very comfortable with Joe very quickly, and SLB was keen to see where this would take him. Hopefully somewhere lush.
If this sounds like altogether familiar territory, well, SLB concedes that he may just be flailing aimlessly around the Earth until Mr Right comes along. But surely, that's all any of us are doing...
"I'm Slutty! Get Me Outta Here!"
SLB slept with someone famous this week. It happened last Sunday (SLB loves drinking on a Sunday. It makes him feel so chic) when SLB went to a friend's birthday at Retro Bar – a kitscher than kitsch little bar owned by an angry lesbian, down a pokey little side street off The Strand. SLB was socially networking his tits off when he ran into X who SLB charmed into buying him his drinks for the evening. X introduced SLB to all kinds of interesting people: Adrian – rich lawyer from Kensington; Peter – who owned property in Leicester Square and Joe – the fit, tri-lingual musician whom SLB fancied above all others. X then bought SLB another drink before popping out for a quick cigarette before they left. Ugh. Smoking was so 80s.
From there, they all trotted over to G-A-Y Late (or V-I-L-E as Will and SLB called it) for the McDonalds of gay entertainment in London. God knows why, but X suddenly started masquerading as straight and married. Well aren't we all dear. But being gay was fashionable these days and X was in a gay bar for goodness sake! In fact, everybody knows that gayness does wonders for a celebrity's public image. A boyfriend (this year's must have) could really boost PR for X. SLB already considered himself to be 'famous by association', but couldn't help fantasise about being the new Colleen and having his very own column in Heat or OK or something. After all, in his advisory role as Slutty London Boy, he really felt like he was giving back to the community from whence he came.
SLB and X stepped out of G-A-Y for some much needed fresh (breathable) air, and yet another cigarette for X. Clearly X was gagging for it, so they slipped into a back alley and X slipped it in. X went at it like a whore on tequila, but SLB has to say that stamina is definitely a plus when it comes to sleeping with celebrities in seedy Soho side streets. Ah sex. Is there anything better?
Who could this mystery celebrity possibly be? Alan Carr, Tom Jones, Gok Wan, Will Young...Cliff Richard? A certain effeminate member of a certain well known UK boy band? SLB knows this hardly narrows the field but he does like to keep his readers guessing...
They returned to the club and didn't speak to each other for the rest of the night.
And then SLB bumped into Joe again, and everything changed...
From there, they all trotted over to G-A-Y Late (or V-I-L-E as Will and SLB called it) for the McDonalds of gay entertainment in London. God knows why, but X suddenly started masquerading as straight and married. Well aren't we all dear. But being gay was fashionable these days and X was in a gay bar for goodness sake! In fact, everybody knows that gayness does wonders for a celebrity's public image. A boyfriend (this year's must have) could really boost PR for X. SLB already considered himself to be 'famous by association', but couldn't help fantasise about being the new Colleen and having his very own column in Heat or OK or something. After all, in his advisory role as Slutty London Boy, he really felt like he was giving back to the community from whence he came.
SLB and X stepped out of G-A-Y for some much needed fresh (breathable) air, and yet another cigarette for X. Clearly X was gagging for it, so they slipped into a back alley and X slipped it in. X went at it like a whore on tequila, but SLB has to say that stamina is definitely a plus when it comes to sleeping with celebrities in seedy Soho side streets. Ah sex. Is there anything better?
Who could this mystery celebrity possibly be? Alan Carr, Tom Jones, Gok Wan, Will Young...Cliff Richard? A certain effeminate member of a certain well known UK boy band? SLB knows this hardly narrows the field but he does like to keep his readers guessing...
They returned to the club and didn't speak to each other for the rest of the night.
And then SLB bumped into Joe again, and everything changed...
Chocolate Sauce, Lesbians, and A Bed of Spinach
Was it just SLB, or were a lot of young, up-and-coming gays a bit too 'new age' these days? Too sensitive? A little heavy on the gay side of metrosexual?
Organic gays (Gays love a subculture) attend Flash Mobs; they go to festivals with names like 'Earthdance', and talk in terms of “exchanging energy”. They are likely to delete their Facebook accounts (and their Christian names), convert to Buddhism and backpack around the world on a budget of 20p. SLB knows all of this because he went on a (gasp!) date with one this week. SLB half expected Alex to turn up in flip-flops, with goats in tow and carrying half a bottle of chocolate sauce (for spreading across SLB later, probably).
SLB, a raging hedonist at the best of times, found Alex's minimalistic lifestyle a bit too hard to stomach at first. That, and the pretentious portion of boiled chicken on a bed of spinach leaves. SLB swears that had Alex whacked out a copy of Max Ehrmann's Desiderata and started reciting poetry to SLB, he would have been out of there faster than a whore's jaws in Amsterdam. But, for the sake of mass consumerism, SLB wanted a Valentine, and actually, it ended up being the most perfect evening. After a brisk stroll along Southbank (slight cringe) and a dirty slice of pizza (vegetarian for Alex) in Leicester Square, Alex paid for a taxi back to his loft studio flat that he rented off a lesbian couple...in Shoreditch. Of course.
The place smelled of incense and the sex was good. Good, not great. Alex, for all his tree-hugging, Earth-loving, whale-saving, tofu-eating goodness was hardly practised in the art of “love making” and didn't even clean himself up after the sex! That's not minimalistic. That's just lazy. SLB wasn't sure how to handle the situation (at least offer a shower or a towel...or anything!) but soon fell asleep anyway.
The next morning, Alex read SLB's tarot and told him that their souls were due to be aligned for about the next seven years or so, and that SLB was a very passionate, sensual “love-maker”. That's the problem with these 'new age' boys and their crazy ways, they just say what they are thinking. SLB responded by saying that he didn't think he was “feeling it”anymore and would it be OK if he left now?
Then he went and ordered a double skim latte on soy (no cream) with Zoey and got on with life. After all, that was the 'new age' thing to do, right?
Love and light.
Organic gays (Gays love a subculture) attend Flash Mobs; they go to festivals with names like 'Earthdance', and talk in terms of “exchanging energy”. They are likely to delete their Facebook accounts (and their Christian names), convert to Buddhism and backpack around the world on a budget of 20p. SLB knows all of this because he went on a (gasp!) date with one this week. SLB half expected Alex to turn up in flip-flops, with goats in tow and carrying half a bottle of chocolate sauce (for spreading across SLB later, probably).
SLB, a raging hedonist at the best of times, found Alex's minimalistic lifestyle a bit too hard to stomach at first. That, and the pretentious portion of boiled chicken on a bed of spinach leaves. SLB swears that had Alex whacked out a copy of Max Ehrmann's Desiderata and started reciting poetry to SLB, he would have been out of there faster than a whore's jaws in Amsterdam. But, for the sake of mass consumerism, SLB wanted a Valentine, and actually, it ended up being the most perfect evening. After a brisk stroll along Southbank (slight cringe) and a dirty slice of pizza (vegetarian for Alex) in Leicester Square, Alex paid for a taxi back to his loft studio flat that he rented off a lesbian couple...in Shoreditch. Of course.
The place smelled of incense and the sex was good. Good, not great. Alex, for all his tree-hugging, Earth-loving, whale-saving, tofu-eating goodness was hardly practised in the art of “love making” and didn't even clean himself up after the sex! That's not minimalistic. That's just lazy. SLB wasn't sure how to handle the situation (at least offer a shower or a towel...or anything!) but soon fell asleep anyway.
The next morning, Alex read SLB's tarot and told him that their souls were due to be aligned for about the next seven years or so, and that SLB was a very passionate, sensual “love-maker”. That's the problem with these 'new age' boys and their crazy ways, they just say what they are thinking. SLB responded by saying that he didn't think he was “feeling it”anymore and would it be OK if he left now?
Then he went and ordered a double skim latte on soy (no cream) with Zoey and got on with life. After all, that was the 'new age' thing to do, right?
Love and light.
Bond. J. Bond.
SLB met the incomparable Justin Bond last Thursday. Firstly, for those of you who do not know who Justin Bond is, shame on you. Secondly, Justin Bond IS iconic, queer, New York cabaret. He is a superstar who features as himself (or at least one of his stage personas) in the equally iconic and ground-breaking film Shortbus. Justin Bond is never afraid to be himself. Unashamedly, unabashedly, uncompromisingly himself. SLB admired that in performance artists.
SLB was having a drink in the bar of the Soho theatre, having just met up with an actor friend of his, Chris, who was talking about his next fringe venture in Battersea when, wonder of wonders Justin Bond himself sashėd down the stairs and into the foyer. SLB looked up from his vermouth on the rocks to see a vision in sequins breeze past him to the bar. Well of course SLB was on him in a flash and made no excuses about the fact that he was a fan, a groupie, an admirer. Flattery was awfully dull, but Justin Bond was a hot mess, and SLB made exceptions for a limited number of people.
As it happens, Bond had just been in the theatre to scope out the venue for future projects after the wild success of his previous one man show 'Lustre' at the venue last year. And like most performers, in 'real' life, Bond was an incredibly self-deprecating, intelligent, fierce individual: outspoken, yet shy to a degree. Camp, but endearing.
The evening was a coup. SLB learned all about Bond's American exploits with fierce showbiz side-kick Lady J and the equally fascinating transgender nymph, Novice Theory, while SLB in turn educated Bond on his most recent British conquests which Bond found intriguing having lived here himself. They talked about John Cameron Mitchell, Sean Penn in Milk, the Tony awards, political scandal, and the difference between British gays and American gays (which SLB always found to be rather obnoxious).
The drinks were flowing, the stories: outrageous, the humour: revolutionary. In short SLB found the experience of talking with le Bond enlightening and inspiring. It was such a shame then, when SLB had to cut the evening short to make an appearance at Punk. But, Kate Moss was calling.
As SLB left, he remembered the lyrics to a song he had seen Bond sing in New York once when he was there. A cover of Kate Bush's 'Running Up That Hill':
Come on baby, come on darling
Let me steal this moment from you now
Come on angel, come on, come on darling
Let's exchange the experience, oh...
Well what a moment SLB had had tonight. In terms of gays, it doesn't get much more stellar than Justin Bond. Hot!
SLB was having a drink in the bar of the Soho theatre, having just met up with an actor friend of his, Chris, who was talking about his next fringe venture in Battersea when, wonder of wonders Justin Bond himself sashėd down the stairs and into the foyer. SLB looked up from his vermouth on the rocks to see a vision in sequins breeze past him to the bar. Well of course SLB was on him in a flash and made no excuses about the fact that he was a fan, a groupie, an admirer. Flattery was awfully dull, but Justin Bond was a hot mess, and SLB made exceptions for a limited number of people.
As it happens, Bond had just been in the theatre to scope out the venue for future projects after the wild success of his previous one man show 'Lustre' at the venue last year. And like most performers, in 'real' life, Bond was an incredibly self-deprecating, intelligent, fierce individual: outspoken, yet shy to a degree. Camp, but endearing.
The evening was a coup. SLB learned all about Bond's American exploits with fierce showbiz side-kick Lady J and the equally fascinating transgender nymph, Novice Theory, while SLB in turn educated Bond on his most recent British conquests which Bond found intriguing having lived here himself. They talked about John Cameron Mitchell, Sean Penn in Milk, the Tony awards, political scandal, and the difference between British gays and American gays (which SLB always found to be rather obnoxious).
The drinks were flowing, the stories: outrageous, the humour: revolutionary. In short SLB found the experience of talking with le Bond enlightening and inspiring. It was such a shame then, when SLB had to cut the evening short to make an appearance at Punk. But, Kate Moss was calling.
As SLB left, he remembered the lyrics to a song he had seen Bond sing in New York once when he was there. A cover of Kate Bush's 'Running Up That Hill':
Come on baby, come on darling
Let me steal this moment from you now
Come on angel, come on, come on darling
Let's exchange the experience, oh...
Well what a moment SLB had had tonight. In terms of gays, it doesn't get much more stellar than Justin Bond. Hot!
Hope
Each year hundreds, maybe thousands of people move to London for different reasons. Dreams of stardom, a new life, a fresh start, a higher wage, a change of scenery, a gap year. From Polish immigrants who end up cleaning floors, to the new intake at Kings College who end up running the country; all bring one thing with them: hope. SLB slept with one of these London newbies this week and the story goes like this...
SLB had recently been seeing a guy who, quite frankly bored him to death. SLB was bored of his immature antics and bored of his lack of passion for, well, anything at all, which was a constant source of fascination to SLB. But, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else which is exactly why SLB thought he would go out, have a dance, and a drink or five. In the same way you can't get AIDS from kissing someone, you can't get into Boujis on a Friday unless you are on the guest list, like SLB and co. It pays to know Henry Conway though, but being attractive always helps in life. So, looking fit as fuck, SLB met Ben (from Bradford) on the dancefloor. Ben (from Bradford) was surprisingly well-spoken, well-educated, had just moved to South Kensington and was both hot and cool at the same time. SLB knew he'd pulled, and, on a whim, left his friends at the club for the erudite surroundings of Ben (from Bradford)'s flat. SLB's whims are a law to everybody but himself.
The sex was the best SLB had had in a long time. Despite being four years SLB's junior, SLB would almost go as far to say that Ben (from Bradford) showed SLB a thing or two in the bedroom. Almost. The post-coital atmosphere was comfortable and relaxed. SLB showered; they spooned for the night, and in the morning, SLB bid Ben (from Bradford) farewell with the obligatory kiss that signifies the end of a one night stand and the beginning of the walk of shame. SLB quite fancied seeing Ben (from Bradford) again and later that afternoon messaged him to say just that. No response. For an entire day. Now, SLB doesn't take kindly to apathy and is not used to being ignored by boys. Ever. Seriously. On this occasion however, he was forced to accept that maybe Ben (from Bradford) just wasn't that into him. But, there was a first time for everything, and SLB had a theory that maybe he was laying the groundwork for a more meaningful relationship at a later date.
Will broke up with his on again/off again boyfriend this week, whereas SLB had a one night stand with someone who showed no interest in calling or texting him. SLB wonders which is worse: Someone ending a meaningful relationship with you because it is no longer meaningful for them, or Someone thinking you are not worth starting a meaningful relationship with in the first place?
Regardless, just as the snow melts and Londoners to go back to work, life too goes on. SLB hopes so.
SLB had recently been seeing a guy who, quite frankly bored him to death. SLB was bored of his immature antics and bored of his lack of passion for, well, anything at all, which was a constant source of fascination to SLB. But, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else which is exactly why SLB thought he would go out, have a dance, and a drink or five. In the same way you can't get AIDS from kissing someone, you can't get into Boujis on a Friday unless you are on the guest list, like SLB and co. It pays to know Henry Conway though, but being attractive always helps in life. So, looking fit as fuck, SLB met Ben (from Bradford) on the dancefloor. Ben (from Bradford) was surprisingly well-spoken, well-educated, had just moved to South Kensington and was both hot and cool at the same time. SLB knew he'd pulled, and, on a whim, left his friends at the club for the erudite surroundings of Ben (from Bradford)'s flat. SLB's whims are a law to everybody but himself.
The sex was the best SLB had had in a long time. Despite being four years SLB's junior, SLB would almost go as far to say that Ben (from Bradford) showed SLB a thing or two in the bedroom. Almost. The post-coital atmosphere was comfortable and relaxed. SLB showered; they spooned for the night, and in the morning, SLB bid Ben (from Bradford) farewell with the obligatory kiss that signifies the end of a one night stand and the beginning of the walk of shame. SLB quite fancied seeing Ben (from Bradford) again and later that afternoon messaged him to say just that. No response. For an entire day. Now, SLB doesn't take kindly to apathy and is not used to being ignored by boys. Ever. Seriously. On this occasion however, he was forced to accept that maybe Ben (from Bradford) just wasn't that into him. But, there was a first time for everything, and SLB had a theory that maybe he was laying the groundwork for a more meaningful relationship at a later date.
Will broke up with his on again/off again boyfriend this week, whereas SLB had a one night stand with someone who showed no interest in calling or texting him. SLB wonders which is worse: Someone ending a meaningful relationship with you because it is no longer meaningful for them, or Someone thinking you are not worth starting a meaningful relationship with in the first place?
Regardless, just as the snow melts and Londoners to go back to work, life too goes on. SLB hopes so.
To Come Or Not To Come?
Londoners are hilarious. They angrily pile onto the tube each day, demonstrating almost no form of etiquette. As more and more people cram themselves into these carriages of love, certain issues arise: How long do you leave it before you subtly move away from the person who smells? Is it acceptable to smile or stare at people on the tube? Are you allowed to unashamedly flirt with the fit guy who's about to get off at the next stop and why can't he stay on a bit longer? Do you avoid sitting next to someone because you're secretly fattist, or racist, or just a bit odd? And then, how many seats away from them do you sit? For the rookie Londoner, this can all seem a bit daunting; but it got SLB thinking about all sorts of social miscellany.
If SLB had a jogging partner for example, how would he know whether to run slightly in front of his partner, or behind him? Or merely beside? If his partner offers him a sip of water from his own water bottle, should SLB feel obliged to return the favour at a later date? And how often should they run together? And what happens when one partner wants to finish before the other? Does he keep running out of courtesy, or does he simply give up once he has given it his all?
Was this sort of etiquette limited to jogging partners or could it extend to tennis partners, business partners...tango partners?
Extended metaphors and clever linguistics aside, SLB did wonder about the sexual education of Britons and considered it an ongoing duty to find out. And yes, he was looking for answers that Sexcetera or, say, Celebrity Big Brother couldn't provide. Of course, the rules of sex are slightly different in the gay world due to logistics, but SLB did wonder what proportion of gays abstained from bum fun on a first date, or a one night stand, or at all. SLB did wonder if certain boys had preferences for coming on, in, around, beside, before or even after their partner.
And despite having had more sex than a nympho at a sex convention, SLB still wondered whether
people still thought it was acceptable to come first and then give in to boredom or tiredness. No, no it was not.
So, to come or not to come? To jog or not to jog? To heave yourself into that Aushwitz-like throng of masses they call The Commute or to exercise patience in the face of rush hour absurdity? Whatever the answer is, you can be sure that at least one wanker at the back of the queue is always going to try and ram himself onto the already full carriage during peak travel, crushing you so hard into the armpit of someone else (probably with body odour issues) that you no longer know your own arse from your elbow.
London. City of love.
If SLB had a jogging partner for example, how would he know whether to run slightly in front of his partner, or behind him? Or merely beside? If his partner offers him a sip of water from his own water bottle, should SLB feel obliged to return the favour at a later date? And how often should they run together? And what happens when one partner wants to finish before the other? Does he keep running out of courtesy, or does he simply give up once he has given it his all?
Was this sort of etiquette limited to jogging partners or could it extend to tennis partners, business partners...tango partners?
Extended metaphors and clever linguistics aside, SLB did wonder about the sexual education of Britons and considered it an ongoing duty to find out. And yes, he was looking for answers that Sexcetera or, say, Celebrity Big Brother couldn't provide. Of course, the rules of sex are slightly different in the gay world due to logistics, but SLB did wonder what proportion of gays abstained from bum fun on a first date, or a one night stand, or at all. SLB did wonder if certain boys had preferences for coming on, in, around, beside, before or even after their partner.
And despite having had more sex than a nympho at a sex convention, SLB still wondered whether
people still thought it was acceptable to come first and then give in to boredom or tiredness. No, no it was not.
So, to come or not to come? To jog or not to jog? To heave yourself into that Aushwitz-like throng of masses they call The Commute or to exercise patience in the face of rush hour absurdity? Whatever the answer is, you can be sure that at least one wanker at the back of the queue is always going to try and ram himself onto the already full carriage during peak travel, crushing you so hard into the armpit of someone else (probably with body odour issues) that you no longer know your own arse from your elbow.
London. City of love.
Shagging For England
SLB loved a good shop. So all this talk of a recession bored SLB to tears. Despite the fact that the credit crunch actually forced prices on the high street down, SLB felt obliged to be 'careful' with his spending. Whatever that meant. He'd only buy two new Burberry suits at once instead of three. And he'd only go to Fire in Vauxhall once a week instead of three times a month. Hmm?
When SLB strode past the hottest thing to hit retail since Kate Moss did Top Shop, he thought that shopping at provocative underwear store 'English Lads' in Soho, more often, would be a smart move. That 'thing' was Mark. Store manager Mark, who's subtle cool betrayed him as he poked his head out the door to watch SLB walk past. But it's all about the thrill of the chase with SLB, so when he returned to English Lads the next day, he chased store manager Mark in the most subtle way he knew how – asking him out on a date and leaving him his number on the back of a receipt. The date went well; SLB was slaying Mark with his witty repartee, and the sexual tension was mounting to cut-worthy proportions. Chemistry – SLB was such a fan. Talk quickly turned to sex though, more specifically, how Mark would like some...with SLB...in his store. It took all of three seconds for SLB to decided that this would be a good idea and before he knew it, Mark was guiding SLB through a sea of door whores and coked up kooks to the double glass frontage of English Lads.
As we all know, safety precautions are paramount when it comes to gay sex. So, Mark had the foresight to call Chubb security and disarm the alarm system for the next two hours so that he and SLB would be undisturbed among the pants. Clever boy. SLB did wonder though, just where Mark thought they were going to do the deed. The entire front of the store was glass, afterall. And then he saw it – the campest couch in all of Britain. A couch...in the shape of Britain! How he had missed that giant, fluorescent, pink fur couch before, SLB will never know, but as the two descended to the downstairs part of the store, all SLB 's questions were answered. SLB doesn't usually consider moving furniture an integral or particularly romantic part of foreplay, but was willing to breeze past the situation for the sake of good sex...and a good story. Mark better be worth it. He was. If readers can imagine every sexual position possible on a giant, fluorescent, pink fur couch in the shape of Britain, then SLB has done it. The thrill of the chase was dead to SLB. The thrill of having sex in retail outlets was the new thrill of the chase.
And as he clung onto Wales for dear life, SLB couldn't help but think that what he was doing was vaguely patriotic...much like shopping at Burberry. God save the Queen.
When SLB strode past the hottest thing to hit retail since Kate Moss did Top Shop, he thought that shopping at provocative underwear store 'English Lads' in Soho, more often, would be a smart move. That 'thing' was Mark. Store manager Mark, who's subtle cool betrayed him as he poked his head out the door to watch SLB walk past. But it's all about the thrill of the chase with SLB, so when he returned to English Lads the next day, he chased store manager Mark in the most subtle way he knew how – asking him out on a date and leaving him his number on the back of a receipt. The date went well; SLB was slaying Mark with his witty repartee, and the sexual tension was mounting to cut-worthy proportions. Chemistry – SLB was such a fan. Talk quickly turned to sex though, more specifically, how Mark would like some...with SLB...in his store. It took all of three seconds for SLB to decided that this would be a good idea and before he knew it, Mark was guiding SLB through a sea of door whores and coked up kooks to the double glass frontage of English Lads.
As we all know, safety precautions are paramount when it comes to gay sex. So, Mark had the foresight to call Chubb security and disarm the alarm system for the next two hours so that he and SLB would be undisturbed among the pants. Clever boy. SLB did wonder though, just where Mark thought they were going to do the deed. The entire front of the store was glass, afterall. And then he saw it – the campest couch in all of Britain. A couch...in the shape of Britain! How he had missed that giant, fluorescent, pink fur couch before, SLB will never know, but as the two descended to the downstairs part of the store, all SLB 's questions were answered. SLB doesn't usually consider moving furniture an integral or particularly romantic part of foreplay, but was willing to breeze past the situation for the sake of good sex...and a good story. Mark better be worth it. He was. If readers can imagine every sexual position possible on a giant, fluorescent, pink fur couch in the shape of Britain, then SLB has done it. The thrill of the chase was dead to SLB. The thrill of having sex in retail outlets was the new thrill of the chase.
And as he clung onto Wales for dear life, SLB couldn't help but think that what he was doing was vaguely patriotic...much like shopping at Burberry. God save the Queen.
Will
Will was special. He was stylish. He was boyish.
He was witty. He was funny. He was generous.
SLB didn't fancy Will. He was more like a brother to SLB. Will was SLB's GBF, or Gay Best Friend. Anyone can have a GBF; you don't have to be male to have one and you certainly don't have to be gay to have one. But they are special. In short, SLB would do anything for Will. He would throw it all in and move to Africa for Will. Or Swindon. God forbid.
SLB and his GBF, Will, both aspired to be premiere gays. Someone like Elton and David for example. Or Christopher Biggins. A premiere gay, or 'A-Gay' if you will, had disposable income that they kept in their Vivienne Westwood wallets and spent on New Zealand Savignon Blanc at the Soho Hotel. A premiere gay drove a limited series Peugot 303 that they parked in the garage of their open plan Chelsea apartment. Premiere gays only ever dined with A-list celebrities with whom they only ever had brunch with, or, on occasion, a light supper at The Ivy before taking in some theatre and a boat cruise. But most importantly, a premiere gay did not sleep around. Well, surely some things can be worked on throughout the year. SLB did fancy having a new year's resolution for a change. Apparently they're all the rage at this time of year.
One of the roles of a GBF was to pick up the pieces of your best friend's life and re-arrange them in some state of repair. At alarming frequency. Will was there to console SLB in his early years of sluttiness when he misguidedly tried to end a date by “hugging it out”. When SLB was in floods of tears after having his first 'accident' in the bedroom with a boy, Will was over at SLB's flat with Iceland mini quiches and a chocolate gateaux faster than you could say “I kissed a girl and I liked it”. And yes, Will was on the receiving end of many a phone call at 3 in the morning when SLB was seeking advice on the whole Kaleb with a K debacle. No, not even three months in South America could dampen SLB's friendship with Will.
SLB had been back in the country all of three seconds when he found himself in bed with Jacob. Self-confessed metrosexual and long-time intrigue of SLB's. What was wrong with these metrosexuals? The sooner they replaced metro with homo, the sooner we could all get on with the important task of having sex with each other. SLB had been trying to yank Jacob out of the closet for years now, but Jacob was adamant he wasn't going to play. On this occasion, SLB and Jacob were merely sat in bed talking about science. And well, Jacob still couldn't decide if he was gay, straight, bi or Thai. So, not even the rabid gay porn on the computer screen in front of them could perk Jacob up, so they both finished themselves off, had a tea and parted ways.
Anyway, SLB needed a slightly stiffer drink and a de-brief after the whole experience so thank Liza that SLB had Will back in his life to solve all his problems. He'd done it before and he'd do it again.
Afterall, where there was a Will, there was a way.
He was witty. He was funny. He was generous.
SLB didn't fancy Will. He was more like a brother to SLB. Will was SLB's GBF, or Gay Best Friend. Anyone can have a GBF; you don't have to be male to have one and you certainly don't have to be gay to have one. But they are special. In short, SLB would do anything for Will. He would throw it all in and move to Africa for Will. Or Swindon. God forbid.
SLB and his GBF, Will, both aspired to be premiere gays. Someone like Elton and David for example. Or Christopher Biggins. A premiere gay, or 'A-Gay' if you will, had disposable income that they kept in their Vivienne Westwood wallets and spent on New Zealand Savignon Blanc at the Soho Hotel. A premiere gay drove a limited series Peugot 303 that they parked in the garage of their open plan Chelsea apartment. Premiere gays only ever dined with A-list celebrities with whom they only ever had brunch with, or, on occasion, a light supper at The Ivy before taking in some theatre and a boat cruise. But most importantly, a premiere gay did not sleep around. Well, surely some things can be worked on throughout the year. SLB did fancy having a new year's resolution for a change. Apparently they're all the rage at this time of year.
One of the roles of a GBF was to pick up the pieces of your best friend's life and re-arrange them in some state of repair. At alarming frequency. Will was there to console SLB in his early years of sluttiness when he misguidedly tried to end a date by “hugging it out”. When SLB was in floods of tears after having his first 'accident' in the bedroom with a boy, Will was over at SLB's flat with Iceland mini quiches and a chocolate gateaux faster than you could say “I kissed a girl and I liked it”. And yes, Will was on the receiving end of many a phone call at 3 in the morning when SLB was seeking advice on the whole Kaleb with a K debacle. No, not even three months in South America could dampen SLB's friendship with Will.
SLB had been back in the country all of three seconds when he found himself in bed with Jacob. Self-confessed metrosexual and long-time intrigue of SLB's. What was wrong with these metrosexuals? The sooner they replaced metro with homo, the sooner we could all get on with the important task of having sex with each other. SLB had been trying to yank Jacob out of the closet for years now, but Jacob was adamant he wasn't going to play. On this occasion, SLB and Jacob were merely sat in bed talking about science. And well, Jacob still couldn't decide if he was gay, straight, bi or Thai. So, not even the rabid gay porn on the computer screen in front of them could perk Jacob up, so they both finished themselves off, had a tea and parted ways.
Anyway, SLB needed a slightly stiffer drink and a de-brief after the whole experience so thank Liza that SLB had Will back in his life to solve all his problems. He'd done it before and he'd do it again.
Afterall, where there was a Will, there was a way.
The Return
Heathrow. 10.13am. Wednesday the 7th of January, 2009. Slutty London Boy (SLB) made his way through the throngs of people at the terminal. It was the new year and people from all walks of life were converging at the airport after various summer sojourns the world over. SLB was returning to London after three months work in Brazil.
Since leaving the country in September, the intervening months had seen Queen of Pop, Madonna split with her money-grabbing, whiskey-drinking, beige-wearing ex, Guy Ritchie; G.A.Y. move to Heaven, snow fall in October, and lots of hot, wild, animal sex. SLB also had his fair share of sexual encounters with South American men of varying nationalities too. And while keen to elaborate on said encounters, what goes on in South America, stays in South America.
SLB's flight home was immemorable to say the least, as he had already joined the mile high club several times. In fact, his platinum frequent flyer card was probably due for renewal. Mind you, it wasn't for lack of trying. It's just that young children and their putrid Peruvian parents hardly make for ideal tango partners, although, there was a rush of blood to the head on meeting a friendly Mexican called Roman. Sadly, Roman was bound for a different flight and SLB was bound for 12 hours of celibacy. Devastating.
Re-united with his friends back home – Starburst patiently waited with the luggage while Zoey (prize fag hag/bender friender) cashed in on her duty free alcohol and caught up with all SLB's gossip in a nearby cafe. The only gossip of note regarded Kaleb with a K. Readers will remember that SLB had left London amid a cloud of rumours that he had forsaken his slutty ways forever. Well, that was last year. That was the 2008 Slutty London Boy. Kaleb with a K had gone tits up the first week SLB was out of the country. The lack of mobile phone coverage and access to Facebook was just too much for Kaleb with a K to bear. Thus, the romance had petered out before it had ever really begun. Kaleb with a K had had a profound effect on SLB though, and it had taken him a good two weeks to get over the trauma and get back on the proverbial horse. And get back on, SLB certainly did. The saying is 'There are plenty more fish in the sea', for a reason, so, striding through those arrival gates this morning, SLB was ready to take on the new year, metaphorical jodhpurs in place and whipping stick at the ready. Yes, SLB was back in London and back in business. To horse!
Since leaving the country in September, the intervening months had seen Queen of Pop, Madonna split with her money-grabbing, whiskey-drinking, beige-wearing ex, Guy Ritchie; G.A.Y. move to Heaven, snow fall in October, and lots of hot, wild, animal sex. SLB also had his fair share of sexual encounters with South American men of varying nationalities too. And while keen to elaborate on said encounters, what goes on in South America, stays in South America.
SLB's flight home was immemorable to say the least, as he had already joined the mile high club several times. In fact, his platinum frequent flyer card was probably due for renewal. Mind you, it wasn't for lack of trying. It's just that young children and their putrid Peruvian parents hardly make for ideal tango partners, although, there was a rush of blood to the head on meeting a friendly Mexican called Roman. Sadly, Roman was bound for a different flight and SLB was bound for 12 hours of celibacy. Devastating.
Re-united with his friends back home – Starburst patiently waited with the luggage while Zoey (prize fag hag/bender friender) cashed in on her duty free alcohol and caught up with all SLB's gossip in a nearby cafe. The only gossip of note regarded Kaleb with a K. Readers will remember that SLB had left London amid a cloud of rumours that he had forsaken his slutty ways forever. Well, that was last year. That was the 2008 Slutty London Boy. Kaleb with a K had gone tits up the first week SLB was out of the country. The lack of mobile phone coverage and access to Facebook was just too much for Kaleb with a K to bear. Thus, the romance had petered out before it had ever really begun. Kaleb with a K had had a profound effect on SLB though, and it had taken him a good two weeks to get over the trauma and get back on the proverbial horse. And get back on, SLB certainly did. The saying is 'There are plenty more fish in the sea', for a reason, so, striding through those arrival gates this morning, SLB was ready to take on the new year, metaphorical jodhpurs in place and whipping stick at the ready. Yes, SLB was back in London and back in business. To horse!
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