Sleazy Steve

There comes a point in every fledgling gay’s life where he has to confront one of the biggest hindrances to his world- the straight man. An interesting breed, the idea of haute couture foreign; the concept of fashion changing weekly, not by the decade, lost on them.Epitomising the species was Steven Robertson, someone who SLB worked with but preferred not to. “Sleazy Steve” used words like ‘faggot’ and ‘pussy’. Sleazy Steve used women. Sleazy Steve had pre-prepared questions to ask girls on dates, like: “What kind of animal would you say you were?” and “What’s your favourite position?” Questions he knew his own answers to if ever he was asked in return. Up there with girls who told stories for too long, boys who took two hours to come, and people who held grudges; guys who were vulgar really got on SLB’s tits. But, like the inappropriate crush SLB had on his yoga teacher, Sleazy Steve would just not go away. However, pretty boys could get away with a lot in SLB’s books, so SLB suffered Sleazy Steve’s lecherous behaviour for that sole reason.A kind of sexual tension exists between the straight boy and the gay boy, whereby the straight boy entertains the fact that he could ‘have’ the gay boy in a second and incessantly leads him on. The gay boy, though often quite disinterested, flirts back. So when asked to the pub after work one day, SLB saw a chance to push the barriers of this tension, and test the lengths a straight boy would go to in order to lead SLB on. Of course, Sleazy Steve’s venue of choice was the vile Slug and Lettuce. The Slut and Legless. The Slag and Luckless. Cringeworthy as it was, SLB was prepared to go for the sake of his little experiment. Although, preferring Bacardi to beer, SLB proceeded with caution.As Sleazy Steve returned from the bar, SLB realised he absolutely despised him and yet, as Steve presented an armful of tequila shots, SLB realised there was actually something rather desirable about him. Something utterly, utterly desirable. Shot upon shot of tequila was ingested, and SLB’s cheeks were now suffused with a subtle, passionate, pink. Bizarrely enough though, SLB’s advances were being fielded and it was becoming clearer that Sleazy Steve was a blatant, latent homosexual. So SLB wondered whether he could get away with a cheeky blow job in the toilets. He could always paper bag Steve…The paper bag technique: Usually reserved for someone with a face like the back end of a bus; this technique can also be used to obstruct the gender of a person performing a sexual act, rendering them ‘gender indiscriminate’. Useful for closet gays.When the tequila shots got too much for Steve and he slipped out to the bathroom, SLB made his move, slipping into the cubicle opposite him and slipping out of his pants. Off his chops, SLB thought Steve responded quite well to his proposition, coming into the cubicle in record time. In keeping with the theme of the night, SLB licked, sipped and sucked his way through what he was sure was Steve’s first gay action. Tragically, what Steve lacked in size, he made up for in speed which made the whole experience rather dull and uninspiring for SLB. While he was kneeling, SLB realised he would have to quit his job of three months at the music store in order to avoid a potentially awkward rendez vouz with Steve in the stock cupboard. That said though, they both departed the lavs in good spirits, only to have more good spirits from the bar and a rousing rendition of ‘Nine to Five’ from Steve who appeared to be blowing the door off the closet tonight, proving that proper straight men were indeed a very rare breed.After more than his fair share of stiff drinks, SLB later slipped out of the Slug and Lettuce, unnoticed, and went to visit T.O.M. for some genuine sleaze of his own.