The Ins and Outs

So many things we do, we do out of compulsion. Paying tax for one. Or having to put up with painful sex with those who insist on using saliva as lubricant. Or having to take rail replacement buses because the Victoria line can't deal with weekends.

The early stages of a relationship are a bit like taking the rail replacement bus actually: Full of bumps and stops along the way and you never do really know exactly where you are going or if you will ever get there. Stage One involves a lot of flirting, a lot of text messaging, a lot of phone calls and a lot of perfunctory dating. Stage Two involves a lot of sexual intercourse. You know, being shagged 9 ways to Sunday and back again. Stage Three involves a lot of emotional intercourse: The first 'I love you', joy, passion, trust, devotion. Jealousy. You know, if some fat slag tries to squeeze Joe's arse in a bar, then SLB is inclined to spike their drink with a healthy dose of horse tranquilliser. In the straight world this usually equates to some form of physical fight. Women call it chivalry, SLB calls it pugilism.

Anyway, it was all very exciting; SLB had been through all these stages (and more) with Joe in a very short space of time, despite thoughts of Kaleb with a K troubling him recently and potentially blocking SLB from realising how truly perfect Joe was for him. But, SLB knew it was time to leave thoughts of old flames behind (who spelt Kaleb with a K anyway?) and leap out of the frying pan and into the fire again. He felt compelled to do so. Not forced to do so, but compelled. In the good way. And who said that was a bad thing anyway? 'Moving too fast' is an urban myth for those too scared to explore an amazing connection with someone you have a lot in common with. And after another 10 weeks of unfulfilling romps and one-night stands, SLB felt drawn to Joe in a way that transcended even sex. Yes, SLB would venture into a relationship with Joe. His first official, adult, monogamous and mutually exclusive relationship! How darling. SLB would finally be a premiere gay! It was perfect: he could go for brunch every Saturday morning with Joe and they could pay on their joint account. Then they could lie in bed all day Sunday and have sex, and SLB would call it 'Sex Sundays' and Joe would laugh. They could adopt an African baby. And they could have dogs! One each: Liza and Beyonce after their own hearts. They could get a civil union, a mortgage, a house in Highgate, a holiday home in Costa del Sol and a pool boy!

The sky really was the limit. And SLB, full of the joys of Spring, was ready to fly.