"I'm Slutty! Get Me Outta Here!"

SLB slept with someone famous this week. It happened last Sunday (SLB loves drinking on a Sunday. It makes him feel so chic) when SLB went to a friend's birthday at Retro Bar – a kitscher than kitsch little bar owned by an angry lesbian, down a pokey little side street off The Strand. SLB was socially networking his tits off when he ran into X who SLB charmed into buying him his drinks for the evening. X introduced SLB to all kinds of interesting people: Adrian – rich lawyer from Kensington; Peter – who owned property in Leicester Square and Joe – the fit, tri-lingual musician whom SLB fancied above all others. X then bought SLB another drink before popping out for a quick cigarette before they left. Ugh. Smoking was so 80s.

From there, they all trotted over to G-A-Y Late (or V-I-L-E as Will and SLB called it) for the McDonalds of gay entertainment in London. God knows why, but X suddenly started masquerading as straight and married. Well aren't we all dear. But being gay was fashionable these days and X was in a gay bar for goodness sake! In fact, everybody knows that gayness does wonders for a celebrity's public image. A boyfriend (this year's must have) could really boost PR for X. SLB already considered himself to be 'famous by association', but couldn't help fantasise about being the new Colleen and having his very own column in Heat or OK or something. After all, in his advisory role as Slutty London Boy, he really felt like he was giving back to the community from whence he came.

SLB and X stepped out of G-A-Y for some much needed fresh (breathable) air, and yet another cigarette for X. Clearly X was gagging for it, so they slipped into a back alley and X slipped it in. X went at it like a whore on tequila, but SLB has to say that stamina is definitely a plus when it comes to sleeping with celebrities in seedy Soho side streets. Ah sex. Is there anything better?

Who could this mystery celebrity possibly be? Alan Carr, Tom Jones, Gok Wan, Will Young...Cliff Richard? A certain effeminate member of a certain well known UK boy band? SLB knows this hardly narrows the field but he does like to keep his readers guessing...

They returned to the club and didn't speak to each other for the rest of the night.

And then SLB bumped into Joe again, and everything changed...