Shagging For England

SLB loved a good shop. So all this talk of a recession bored SLB to tears. Despite the fact that the credit crunch actually forced prices on the high street down, SLB felt obliged to be 'careful' with his spending. Whatever that meant. He'd only buy two new Burberry suits at once instead of three. And he'd only go to Fire in Vauxhall once a week instead of three times a month. Hmm?

When SLB strode past the hottest thing to hit retail since Kate Moss did Top Shop, he thought that shopping at provocative underwear store 'English Lads' in Soho, more often, would be a smart move. That 'thing' was Mark. Store manager Mark, who's subtle cool betrayed him as he poked his head out the door to watch SLB walk past. But it's all about the thrill of the chase with SLB, so when he returned to English Lads the next day, he chased store manager Mark in the most subtle way he knew how – asking him out on a date and leaving him his number on the back of a receipt. The date went well; SLB was slaying Mark with his witty repartee, and the sexual tension was mounting to cut-worthy proportions. Chemistry – SLB was such a fan. Talk quickly turned to sex though, more specifically, how Mark would like some...with SLB...in his store. It took all of three seconds for SLB to decided that this would be a good idea and before he knew it, Mark was guiding SLB through a sea of door whores and coked up kooks to the double glass frontage of English Lads.

As we all know, safety precautions are paramount when it comes to gay sex. So, Mark had the foresight to call Chubb security and disarm the alarm system for the next two hours so that he and SLB would be undisturbed among the pants. Clever boy. SLB did wonder though, just where Mark thought they were going to do the deed. The entire front of the store was glass, afterall. And then he saw it – the campest couch in all of Britain. A couch...in the shape of Britain! How he had missed that giant, fluorescent, pink fur couch before, SLB will never know, but as the two descended to the downstairs part of the store, all SLB 's questions were answered. SLB doesn't usually consider moving furniture an integral or particularly romantic part of foreplay, but was willing to breeze past the situation for the sake of good sex...and a good story. Mark better be worth it. He was. If readers can imagine every sexual position possible on a giant, fluorescent, pink fur couch in the shape of Britain, then SLB has done it. The thrill of the chase was dead to SLB. The thrill of having sex in retail outlets was the new thrill of the chase.

And as he clung onto Wales for dear life, SLB couldn't help but think that what he was doing was vaguely patriotic...much like shopping at Burberry. God save the Queen.