Back in the Habit

Single and fancy free again, SLB was putting his post break-up, 3 day drinking binge behind him as he minced his was through a sea of West End Wendy's at last week's Sister Act opening night partyt. Lee Mead was on hand smiling daftly, as was present incumbent of the worst show in town since Thalidomide – The Musical, Gareth Gates. All SLB will say is that Joseph's amazing coat was rainbow coloured for a reason. Denise van Who? As the proceedings wrapped up, taxis full of half-pissed B-Grade wankers who had made it to the top of their profession (and didn't we all know about it) trailed off into the distance to a chorus of “See you later, darling” and “Let's do lunch soon, babe”. SLB eventually made his way to a certain up-and-coming director's house whose name shall remain unknown. Probably forever.

SLB scanned the room of loved-up luvvies and resigned himself to the fact that no one present would be a potential bed friend that evening. Proceedings were about as dull as the last London Gay Man's Chorus concert SLB went to, so SLB headed upstairs to make what turned out to be a rather fateful phonecall to Will. You see, SLB was followed by Dave. Average looking Dave was a leading man in a certain West End show that involved a lot of marching, and a lot of flag waving. Dave, at 20 years SLB's senior, could have been his Father. Dave discreetly slipped into the room after SLB and shut the door behind him. He had a suggestive look in his eyes. Of course, it wouldn't be the first time SLB had got into what one might call a “sticky” situation: SLB remembers being invited back to a well-respected London City architect's house to “look at some plans”. London's persistent rain that night met with the persistent strains of “Let's get you out of those wet clothes” Enough said.

However, tonight, this was a situation he'd prefer not to be stuck in. SLB was forced to say his goodbyes to Will on the phone due to the simple fact that Dave was pulling SLB's shirt up over his head! This unsolicited undressing continued with SLB's belt buckle and jeans. Dave then proceeded to start biting SLB's nipples and “Would you like to be the meat in my sandwich?”. Well, SLB promptly pulled his jeans up, re-fastened his belt, pulled his shirt back down and “No, I would not!” Nor would he like to be referred to as “meat” for that matter. David then outdid himself by waving his own little flag of revolution at full mast asking if SLB wanted to 'wrap his lips around this'. Well, it's not often that SLB turns down a cheeky gob job on a Wednesday night but honestly!

As SLB fled downstairs he was stunned to hear Dave calling behind him, asking if he'd like to me home with him. Well, SLB had been mistaken for a rent boy before, but surely he was dressing differently these days.

When Dave was preparing to leave with the rest of the Desperate Debbie's in tow, another round of “Gotta run” and “Let's have lunch” ensued, and SLB bore the brunt of two rather awkward pecks on the cheek. Let's hope Dave hadn't been to Mexico recently.

Riding the tube was never the same again. Never again could SLB look at posters of a young girl draped in rags without feeling red with rage at what had happened, green with envy at Will, who was sipping cocktails by a pool in Spain at the time, and blue at the fact Dave had a partner. Shame.