Bruce/David

SLB found out the hard way that he didn't like anal sex last night. Literally.

He'd got a bad vibe from Bruce/David the first time they'd met. To the extent where, on their first encounter at a pub in Angel, a group of girls thought SLB looked like he was about to spike his own drink he looked so desperate to leave, that when Bruce/David went to the little boys' room, they asked whether he was OK or if he needed 'saving'.

Bruce/David was so called because he had started exhibiting rather odd behaviour in so much as it appeared that one man was actually two. This later turned out to be, not split personality disorder as SLB initially thought (but maybe would have coped better with) but an interesting character trait where Bruce/David was David to his family, who didn't know he was out, but Bruce to his friends, who did. Sadly, David, along with so many gay men, had body issues, so was often moody, sometimes sharp and frequently cutting. He would often disengage from conversation, and he avoided eye contact. And yet, Bruce (as he was known to SLB for the majority of time) was lovely. He was endearing and charming and contrary to David's opinion, had an amazing body in SLB's eyes. But it was only because SLB really fancied the Bruce component of the double act that SLB pursued him.

Well, he pursed him up until last night. The two (three) of them were sitting around a table at Box on Seven Dials (SLB ignoring the advances of a pukey French guy who was trying sleaze as a method of attraction. Unsuccessfully) talking about SLB's writing when he opened a can of worms about sexuality and the fact that his family did not know he was out. Unfortunately Bruce/David brought with him all sorts of issues about leading a double life, alter egos, and the life one leads before they come out compared with the life they lead after. All issues SLB didn't really fancy exploring at that particular moment with Bruce/David over a bottle of red. SLB was many things to men. He was not a counsellor.

SLB decided there and then to pursue Bruce/David solely as a shag. But as SLB later found out, Bruce was a bottom whereas David was a top. It was one of life's many disappointments. Like queuing for Lady Gaga at Heaven for three hours in the rain and not getting in to see her. Unfortunately it was David who SLB bed for the first (and only) time last night.

In terms of sexual practices, SLB had either encountered or heard of a number of oddities among the sexually active of London. There were those who couldn't get it up, those who cried when they came, those who spoke in tongues during sex, those with fetishes for feet or snails, those with involuntary spasms of sound or movement and so many others who demonstrated similarly odd behaviour.

David, it seemed was one of those people. As they undressed, he started acting strangely. The same sort of strange that is on a par with the way straight boys try to over compensate with how “OK” they are with homosexuality by talking about it all the time. His strangeness later translated into a bizarre strain of aggression in the bedroom which equally made for the most disappointingly painful and painfully disappointing sex SLB had ever had. Ever.

SLB didn't mind though. He would just abstain from sex for a while. A week would do it. He preferred to be a top anyway.