A Weekend in the Country

SLB would like to take this opportunity to make it clear that he is not a home wrecker or a husband stealer, contrary to popular belief. SLB feels the need to precede this column with such a disclaimer after the events that occurred over the bank holiday weekend.

As per tradition, Mitzi Vabere and SLB had decided to check out of London for the long weekend and go to Cornwall for a few days. Not to do anything silly like camping or hunting. Don't be ridiculous. But for a spot of lunch, a shop or two and supper in a stately home.

Mitzi, fabulous as ever in a delightful, coral pink kaftan, was intent on introducing SLB to a lovely gay couple who she knew from university. Afterall, a wise man did once say that if you are gay you will, nay must, get along with all others of your kind. Naturally, SLB was excited at the prospect of meeting fellow gays and minced down the street alongside Mitzi in bright red jeans, sequinned vest and a houndstooth waistcoat. The good people of humble Truro didn't quite know what had hit them.

Tim and Tom were hosting opening night drinks for a exhibition at the art gallery they jointly curated. SLB and Mitzi breezed in fashionably late to a welcome of smoked salmon canapes and two glasses of Bollinger each. Pretty soon, through the druken haze of the Bolly, the sexual chemistry between Tim and SLB became apparent.

It's not that SLB has no scruples. It's just that morals are for the dull and curious, so when SLB reached for Tim's hand in a dark corner of the room, he knew very well he was in dangerous proximity to Tom, just metres away. And although it would not be a new addition to SLB's repertoire (SLB had recently enjoyed a lovely threesome with a Spanish couple over the new year) he wouldn't have minded a quick jaunt with one or both of Tim and Tom that evening. Afterall, we must always keep our options and our legs open. But when it was made quite clear that Tom wasn't interested (it was always the ugly ones that were the most picky) things turned slightly sour. Apparently, men in relationships don't appreciate it when other men make sexual advances on their boyfriends.

Hilariously, neither ended up with SLB that evening. SLB copped off with the cute, young receptionist in the supply cupboard, much to Tim's consternation , no doubt causing further reason for gossip in the office next week.

SLB and Mitzi left Cornwall on the Monday, leaving a devastating wake of relationship destruction behind them. Mitzi no doubt was secretly horrified by the whole debacle, but SLB, true to form, took it all in his stride. He'd certainly started Summer off with a bang.